Great Simpsons moments


NOTE: These are likely to appeal mostly to fanatic 
          Simpson devotees like myself.


[2F15] Lisa's Wedding
//Smithers receives an invitation to Lisa's wedding.
Smithers: "Mr. Smithers plus guest"...huh.  There's only one person I would want to 
bring. [pulls a frozen Mr. Burns from a slot in the wall] Oh, Mr. Burns, we'll thaw you out 
the second they discover the cure for seventeen stab wounds in the back.  How're we 
doing, boys?
Frink: Well, we're up to fifteen!
Scientists: Yay!


[3F13] Lisa the Iconoclast
//Lisa and Homer show up at Moe's Tavern.
Homer: Hear ye, hear ye.  My daughter has something to say about
        Jebediah Springfield.
Moe: Aw, look.  That cutie wants to say something cute.
         [barflies murmur]
        Shut up, you bums, shut up! 
        Go ahead, angel.
Lisa: Ahem.  Jebediah Springfield was nothing more than a murderous
        pirate who hated this town!
         [barflies and Moe's jaws drop]
Moe: Good God!  Homer, I support, you know, any prejudice you can
        name, but this hero-phobia sickens me.  All right, you and your
        daughter ain't welcome here no more.  Barney, show them the
        exit.
Barney: There's an exit?!


[1F20] Secrets of a Successful Marriage
//Homer is teaching a class in how to build a successful marriage
Homer: All right.  The first thing they told me to do was to make sure everyone here is 
in the right class.  [gets tobacco spat on him] Down the hall, room twelve.
Man: [mouth full] Thank you.
Homer: [gets more spat on him] Ew.  OK, let's get started. Uh...um...umm...hmm.
Woman: [whispers to classmate]
Homer: [pointing] No talking!  [clears throat] Uh...{hmm.  Hmm. Oh!...hmm...no.  
Uh...hmm.}
Skinner: Um, how about if we tell you about our problems with relationships?
Homer: Yeah...yeah!  That'll eat up some time.  
Otto: My standards are just too high, you know?  I feel like
          nobody's good enough for me.  (At this moment a flea
          hops off his head) Whoa!  You *think* you got 'em all...
          but you forget about the eggs.


[1F15] Bart Gets an Elephant
Homer: Look at these bills: chains for elephant.  Shots for elephant.
       -- "Oversized decorative poncho"?!
 Bart: Technically it's for a giraffe, but I think I can let it out a
       little.
Homer: Well these bills will have to paid out of your allowance.
 Bart: You'll have to raise my allowance to about $1000 a week.
Homer: Then that's what I'll _DO_, smart guy.


[3F07] Marge Be Not Proud
//Brodka dials the phone while Bart looks unhappy.
Brodka: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Simpson?  This is detective Don Brodka from
        Try-N-Save security.  That's right, Don Brodka.  Your son Bart
        has been caught shoplifting.  Uh huh.  Yeah, it's a shame, I
        know, but...well, _try_ and have a merry Christmas.
         [hangs up] They weren't home, uh huh.  But I left a message on
        their answering machine, that's right.
  Bart: Um, OK.  I've really, really, _really_ learned my lesson.  Can I
        please go now?
Brodka: Yeah, get out of my sight.
         [Bart starts to run away]
        Hey, kid: one more thing.  If you _ever_ set foot in this store
        again, you'll be spending Christmas in juvenile hall.  Capisce?
         [Bart looks blank]
        Well, do you understand?
  Bart: Everything except "capisce".


[2F18] Two Dozen & One Greyhounds
Smithers: Are you sure you want to go through with this, Sir?  You _do_
          have a very full wardrobe as it is.
   Burns: Yes...but not completely full.  For you see...
           [singing] Some men hunt for sport, others hunt for food,
          The only thing I'm hunting for is an outfit that looks good.
           [to the tune of "Be Our Guest"]
          See my vest, see my vest, made from real gorilla chest,
          Feel this sweater, there's no better than authentic Irish
          Setter.
          See this hat?  'Twas my cat.  My evening wear?  Vampire bat.
          These white slippers are albino African endangered rhino.
          Grizzly bear underwear; turtles' necks, I've got my share.
          Beret of poodle on my noodle it shall rest;
          Try my red robin suit, it comes one breast or two,
          See my vest, see my vest, see my vest!
           [with hat and cane]
          Like my loafers?  Former gophers!  
          It was that or skin my chauffers,
          But a greyhound fur tuxedo would be best.
          So let's prepare these dogs --
   Woman: Kill two for matching clogs!
   Burns: See my vest, see my vest, oh please, won't you see my vest?
           [spoken] I really like the vest.
Smithers: I gathered, yeah.


[9F10] Monorail {rc}
 Lyle Lanley: Well, sir, there's nothing on earth
              Like a genuine,
              Bona fide,
              Electrified,
              Six-car
              Monorail!
              What'd I say?
Ned Flanders: Monorail!
 Lyle Lanley: What's it called?
 Patty+Selma: Monorail!
 Lyle Lanley: That's right!  Monorail!
              [crowd chants `Monorail' softly and rhythmically]
 Miss Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud...
 Lyle Lanley: It glides as softly as a cloud.
         Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?
 Lyle Lanley: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
      Barney: What about us brain-dead slobs?
 Lyle Lanley: You'll be given cushy jobs.
         Abe: Were you sent here by the devil?
 Lyle Lanley: No, good sir, I'm on the level.
      Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.
 Lyle Lanley: Take my pen knife, my good man.
              I swear it's Springfield's only choice...
              Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
         All: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley:  What's it called?
         All: Monorail!
Lyle Lanley:  Once again...
         All: Monorail!
       Marge: But Main Street's still all cracked and broken...
        Bart: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken!
         All: Monorail!
              Monorail!
              Monorail!
              [big finish]
              Monorail!
       Homer: Mono...  D'oh!


//9F06 New Kid on the Block
% Bart eavesdrops on Jimbo and Laura on the couch, smooching.  Bart has
% a plan.  Meanwhile, Laura's mother has considerable difficulty getting
% Moe to accept the coupon for a free beer.  ``No, this is... Bo's Cavern.''

Moe: [answers the phone]  Yeah, just a sec; I'll check.
     [calls]  Amanda Hugginkiss?  Hey, I'm lookin' fer Amanda Hugginkiss.
     Where can I find Amanda Hugginkiss?
     [bar denizens laugh]
Barney: Maybe your standards are too high!
Moe: [to phone] You little S.O.B.  Why, when I find out who you are,
     I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving
     dogs in your butt!


//1F20
It's poker night at Lenny's house.

   Moe: All right, I raise a quarter.
  Carl: I'm out.
 Lenny: I'm out.
Barney: I'm out.  Whoa -- [passes out; chair tips over]
   Moe: Homer, you want any cards?  [Homer gags] Homer!
         [hits Homer; he coughs up a blue chip]
 Homer: Whoo!  Don't try to eat these so-called "chips".
Lenny: You want another card or not?
Homer: Huh?  Oh, OK.  I'll take three.  [Moe deals them] D'oh!  D'oh!
       D'oh!  I mean...woo hoo.
  Moe: I'm in.  [tosses a chip into the pot] Let's see your cards.
Homer: Oh, I was bluffing.  [shows them]
  Moe: Ha ha.  Come to papa -- wait a minute!  You have a straight
       flush, Homer!  You do this every time, you -- oh, you -- oh!
       Gah!  I'm choking on my own rage here.
 Carl: Hey, don't yell at Homer.  Just 'cause he's a little slow...
Homer: [gasps] [thinks] Something was said...not good.  What was it?
       "Don't yell at Homer!"  No, that's OK.  What was it?  ...Slow!
       They called me slow!
        [stands up, yells] How dare you call me that!  I -- huh?
        [Lenny walks into empty kitchen wearing night cap]
Lenny: [opens fridge] Hey, Homer, you still here?  Boy, you _are_ slow.
Homer: [thinks] Something said...not good.
Lenny: Get the hell out of here!

Lenny boots him out.

Homer tells the family about it at a meal the next day.

Homer: So anywho, last night we're playing poker, right?  As usual, I'm
       winning and not realizing it, and Lenny says that I'm, er --
       [laughs] -- get this -- [laughs] -- a little slow!  [laughs a
       lot] [stops] How come you're not laughing?  Do you think I'm
       slow?
 Bart: Buh.  [looks away]
 Lisa: Sla.  [looks away]
        [Maggie sucks her pacifier]
Marge: Uh, we don't think you're slow.  On the other hand, it's not
       like you go to museums or read books or anything.
Homer: You think I don't want to?  It's those TV networks, Marge: they
       won't let me.  One quality show after another, each one fresher
       and more brilliant than the last.  If they only stumbled once,
       just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves, [puts head on table,
       pounds fist] but they won't!  They won't let me live!  [sobs]

That night, Homer sits on the end of the bed and comes to a realization.

Homer: Oh, who am I kidding?  I _am_ slow.
Marge: Oh, Homey, if you feel so bad about yourself, there's always
       things you can do to feel better.
Homer: Take another bath in malt liquor?
Marge: There's that...or you could take an adult education course.
Homer: Oh, and how is "education" supposed to make me feel smarter?
       Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old
       stuff out of my brain.  Remember when I took that home wine-
       making course and I forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how.


[1F09] Homer the Vigilante

Homer walks up to Skinner.

Skinner: Any sign of the burglar yet?
  Homer: He'll show.
Skinner: How's that?
  Homer: It's his job.
Skinner: How's that?
  Homer: He's a burglar.

Homer and Skinner nod at one another as the theme music from "Dragnet"
plays.

Homer: (to himself) 
Well, Mr. Cat Burglar, you'd like to get in here, wouldn't you?  There's
just one little problem: 36 years ago, some lady gave birth to a man
named Homer J. Simp -- ohmigod: underage kids drinking beer without a
permit!

The Cat Burglar wastes no time in taking advantage of the situation.  He
walks into the museum and flips the alarm switch, ignoring the "Do not
turn off" warning on it, and the glass surrounding the monstrous bogus
diamond lowers.  He sneaks away as three teenagers encourage Homer to
chug a beer.

The Springfield Shopper announces the next day, "Zirconia Ztolen!", and
accuses Homer of being asleep.  The picture shows Homer passed out with
beer cans all around him.

Homer: "Asleep at the switch"?  I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!
 Bart: *I* believe you, Dad.

Homer realizes he's still got a job to do, and he walks out the front
door, only to be pelted by fruit and vegetables.  Barney yells, "Go
home, Simpson!"  Jimbo walks up to Homer and empties a sack full of
doorknobs in front of him.

Jimbo: You let me down, man.  Now I don't believe in nothing no more.
       I'm going to law school
Homer: Nooooooooooooooooooo!


[9F16] The Front 

Roger Meyers, head of Itchy&Scratchy studios: Allright, heads up you bunch of low-
lifes.  This is Abraham Simpson, and from now on you guys are going to take all of 
your cues from him.  He's got something you couldn't get at your expensive, ivy-league 
schools: life experience.
One of the post-college kids: Actually, I wrote my thesis on life experience.
Roger Meyers: Shutup!


[1F09] Homer the Vigilante

The vigilante group is now outfitted and ready to go.  Homer inspects
their uniforms.

  Homer: OK, men, it's time to clean up this town!
Skinner: Meaning what, exactly?
  Homer: You know, push people around, make ourselves feel big.


[9F01] Homer the Heretic
 Prenatal Homer.  ``Ah, what a beautiful day in the womb.''  Until the fluid
 drains and a hand reaches in to remove him.  Homer clings for dear life...

 ... to the bedpost, as Marge tries to drag him out of bed for church.
 Homer maintains that it is too cold out.  Outside, a polar baird scavenges
 the Simpsons trash can.  Homer struggles with his itchy church pants...
   
Homer: One size fits all my butt!  (The pants rip)  "Forget it.  I'm not going."  

Marge scowls as she drives the kids to church.  In the car, Maggie removes her
 pacifier and licks the kiddie seat, only to have her tongue stick to it.
   
   Bart:  Hey, where's Homer?
   Marge: Your father's ... resting.
   Bart:  Resting hung over?  Resting got fired?  Help me out, here.


[3F21] Homerpalooza

Homer:  (sorrowfully muses to himself) Why do you need new bands? 
Everyone knows rock attained perfection in 1974. It's a scientific fact...

Flashback to the aforementioned year, where a group of people are
installing a strobe light in a custom van of theirs: "Quadraphonic
sound, a waterbed, and now a strobe light. Gentlemen, say hello to
the second-base mobile." When they resume dancing on "Frankenstein"
with the strobe light on, Homer tries to join in, but fails
miserably.

"Back then, we didn't care what anyone thought and the chicks found
that irresistible." narrates Homer, as he remembers drinking from the
school fountain as two teen girls walk by. "I think you're cool,
Homer Simpson." affirms one of them, and even though the other one
declares that this remark was mean, Homer takes it as a compliment.

"But most of all, I remember the music..."  Homer and Barney, in
Homer's room, butcher "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing", when Abe
interrupts them.  
Abe: What the hell are you two doing?
Barney: It's called rockin' out.
Homer: But you wouldn't understand 'cause you're not "with it".
Abe: I used to be with it, but then they changed what "it" was. Now, what
I'm with isn't it, and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me.
 


> ------
> Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not
> whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get.
> 
> ------
> Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably.
> The lesson is, never try.
> 
> ------
> It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled
> child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of
> TV a day.
> 
> ------
> Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal
> again? What about bacon?
> Lisa: No.
> Homer: Ham?
> Lisa: No!
> Homer: Pork chops?
> Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
> Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa.
> A wonderful... magical animal.
> 
> ------
> Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme
> Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
> Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
> Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
> Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?
> 
> ------
> Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out
> something old! Remember that time I took a home
> wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
> Marge: That's because you were drunk!
> Homer: And how!
> 
> ------
> Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner!
> Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
> Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw
> you a picture?
> 
> ------
> Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse.
> Homer: Ooo, that's bad.
> Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt!
> Homer: That's good!
> Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed.
> Homer: That's bad.
> Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings!
> Homer: That's good!
> Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate...
> Homer: (confused look)
> Old man: That's bad.
> Homer: Can I go now?
> 
> ------
> Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police
> academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that
> movie -- Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and
> disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.
> 
> ------
> Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
> Homer: Did you wreck the car?
> Bart: No.
> Homer: Did you raise the dead?
> Lisa: Yes.
> Homer: But the car's okay?
> Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
> Homer: All right then.
> 
> ------
> (praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As
> an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you
> wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign
> whatsoever... thy bidding will be done (munch munch munch).